I've been with an addict the past 4 years who I've never heard even raise his voice. But he put his hands on me, choking me. He got 8 months in jail. He hasn't been clean in 15+ years so I'm giving him clean slate provided he/we attends NA regularly along with his own counseling & couples counseling. I've been seeing a counselor 16 months. He gets out 6/20. I'm scared but excited because he's truly a wonderful person who I love dearly. He's shown me great things so I know he wants to change. I'll share this article with him. Thank you for an excellent post. I've subscribed
Thank you for the comment, and I am glad that you found my article helpful. I am concerned about your decision to give your partner another chance, not only because domestic violence has a high recidivism rate, but strangulation, in particular, has a strong correlation with escalating violence, including homicide.
Your commend prompted me to write write a more detailed response, as I know there are others at similar crossroads:
I have seen my mother go through something similar, and how her relationship with my father evolved over time. I want you to know that I did not say what I said lightly.
You are truly a wonderful soul. I was led to your writing today after a whole month of internet searches and blog readings. Thank you. Your experiences and thoughts have really hit hard in the kindest way. My husband was unfaithful with his ex six years ago. But I just found out because he never wanted me to know. He “regretted it so badly and didn’t want to lose me”. Wow did that change everything. It’s been almost 4 weeks of the sick head pounding not eating type thing. I am thankful for the reduced work schedule, I would t be able to concentrate full time. God knows what he’s doing. Any insight on this topic is so appreciated
Wonderful article. I am in a relationship where action speak louder than words. The actions scream at me that there is no love there. Unfortunately, I am completely isolated with no close support system. Unfortunately, I have two children that are not being prioritized yet are held over my head not to leave. I can only leave without them. And you are absolutely right. My relationship started on betrayal and is ending the same way. There were so many red flags but I chose to ignore them. I conceived two beautiful children into this horrible situation.
Thank you for sharing the story, Erin, and I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing.
On divorce, most attorneys will do a free phone consultation with prospective clients, so you could talk to a few of them to get a sense of the likely outcome, including custody.
Finances wise, I wrote an article titled "Saving for Freedom" that you could reference. Parents in abusive relationships often have difficulty leaving due to finances, so I wrote this piece to guide people on saving and investing for financial freedom.
This hit home hard. The ex came from a dysfunctional environment and his mother is an undiagnosed narcissist bordering on sociopath. I spent almost 30 years with this man. Did his emotional and often physical labor and put up with his horrible racist family and his insistence that they would someday get their collective heads out of their asses and see “the real me” and like me.
It just got progressively worse as time went on. He said and did things I never would have imagined. I finally got a bit of money together and ran away. Just like I did when I was a kid running from sexual trafficking, my purchaser/abuser, foster homes that were cruel at best, abusive and rapey at worst...it’s true. The relationship began or rather the trauma bonds strengthened when I was 15/16. And only drew closer as a noose would as time went on.
Thank you for sharing Kat, and I hear you. I saw how being with my father, over the years, transformed my mother from a happy, calm person to one that is anxious and depressed all the time.
It is so important to not stay in unhealthy environments, and I am so glad you got out. You are a strong, courageous lady, and I am proud of you!
Thank you so much.. I just left from an abusive relationship with my ex after I realized that he is a narcissist husband! It was painful but after reading this article made me realized that I did what is right!!
When I learned the true definition of narcissist I knew I had to be done once and for all. After 25 years of alcoholism, prison terms, lies, financial problems and cheating I was finally free!!! It was an Aha moment and I could stop beating my head against a brick wall. For once, I could end it and know that I wouldn’t take him back! I would make him leave only to let him come back. I was convinced that I was jot good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough or something. There was just something wrong with me; but then I was free. I have not been back n don’t even think of him in anyway usually. Just indifferent and irrelevant. Unfortunately I am just now trying to figure out how I managed to do it again. I have been in a 2 year relationship with what I now believe is a covert narcissist. Totally different from the last one. It was a whirlwind of fun and love and before I could get my head out of the clouds I had let him move in with me. The anger outbursts, the silent treatment, the lies, the stealing or plundering through everything all began. I was having a complete breakdown and then more of the same lies and cheating and then he went to prison. I have footed the bill again and he loves me so and is getting out within 6 weeks. I told him today that I could not let him come live with me because I don’t trust him. I sold my house and moved while he’s been there but I believed everything he was saying today while on the phone with him!?!? I’m angry at myself for being so dumb and naive once again and I have known this person for 20 years but I had no idea what I was getting in. I’m actually concerned about just what he is capable of and I cannot handle anything else emotionally or financially and I still go back and forth but since I have not been able to see him I am starting to think that I am just now getting a little clarity and grasp on the situation.. I am exhausted from the trauma on my life and yet I’m thankful in so many other ways... I believe I have BPD and bipolar and an empath. Why am I not convinced he is a narcissist and how can I keep believing the bullshit over and over. It’s insane that I care more about them than I do me apparently! I’m choosing me this time but I’m not sure I have the strength to go thru this pain to heal and let go again!
I've been with an addict the past 4 years who I've never heard even raise his voice. But he put his hands on me, choking me. He got 8 months in jail. He hasn't been clean in 15+ years so I'm giving him clean slate provided he/we attends NA regularly along with his own counseling & couples counseling. I've been seeing a counselor 16 months. He gets out 6/20. I'm scared but excited because he's truly a wonderful person who I love dearly. He's shown me great things so I know he wants to change. I'll share this article with him. Thank you for an excellent post. I've subscribed
Hi Clairese,
Thank you for the comment, and I am glad that you found my article helpful. I am concerned about your decision to give your partner another chance, not only because domestic violence has a high recidivism rate, but strangulation, in particular, has a strong correlation with escalating violence, including homicide.
Your commend prompted me to write write a more detailed response, as I know there are others at similar crossroads:
https://lightworker.substack.com/p/hes-about-to-be-release
I have seen my mother go through something similar, and how her relationship with my father evolved over time. I want you to know that I did not say what I said lightly.
My heart goes out to you.
Truth, and I learned.
I am glad to hear that, and best wishes.
You are truly a wonderful soul. I was led to your writing today after a whole month of internet searches and blog readings. Thank you. Your experiences and thoughts have really hit hard in the kindest way. My husband was unfaithful with his ex six years ago. But I just found out because he never wanted me to know. He “regretted it so badly and didn’t want to lose me”. Wow did that change everything. It’s been almost 4 weeks of the sick head pounding not eating type thing. I am thankful for the reduced work schedule, I would t be able to concentrate full time. God knows what he’s doing. Any insight on this topic is so appreciated
Wonderful article. I am in a relationship where action speak louder than words. The actions scream at me that there is no love there. Unfortunately, I am completely isolated with no close support system. Unfortunately, I have two children that are not being prioritized yet are held over my head not to leave. I can only leave without them. And you are absolutely right. My relationship started on betrayal and is ending the same way. There were so many red flags but I chose to ignore them. I conceived two beautiful children into this horrible situation.
Thank you for sharing the story, Erin, and I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing.
On divorce, most attorneys will do a free phone consultation with prospective clients, so you could talk to a few of them to get a sense of the likely outcome, including custody.
Finances wise, I wrote an article titled "Saving for Freedom" that you could reference. Parents in abusive relationships often have difficulty leaving due to finances, so I wrote this piece to guide people on saving and investing for financial freedom.
This hit home hard. The ex came from a dysfunctional environment and his mother is an undiagnosed narcissist bordering on sociopath. I spent almost 30 years with this man. Did his emotional and often physical labor and put up with his horrible racist family and his insistence that they would someday get their collective heads out of their asses and see “the real me” and like me.
It just got progressively worse as time went on. He said and did things I never would have imagined. I finally got a bit of money together and ran away. Just like I did when I was a kid running from sexual trafficking, my purchaser/abuser, foster homes that were cruel at best, abusive and rapey at worst...it’s true. The relationship began or rather the trauma bonds strengthened when I was 15/16. And only drew closer as a noose would as time went on.
It hurts to read, because it’s true.
Thank you for sharing Kat, and I hear you. I saw how being with my father, over the years, transformed my mother from a happy, calm person to one that is anxious and depressed all the time.
It is so important to not stay in unhealthy environments, and I am so glad you got out. You are a strong, courageous lady, and I am proud of you!
Thank you so much.. I just left from an abusive relationship with my ex after I realized that he is a narcissist husband! It was painful but after reading this article made me realized that I did what is right!!
I am very happy for you. Getting out is the hard part, and you did it!
When I learned the true definition of narcissist I knew I had to be done once and for all. After 25 years of alcoholism, prison terms, lies, financial problems and cheating I was finally free!!! It was an Aha moment and I could stop beating my head against a brick wall. For once, I could end it and know that I wouldn’t take him back! I would make him leave only to let him come back. I was convinced that I was jot good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough or something. There was just something wrong with me; but then I was free. I have not been back n don’t even think of him in anyway usually. Just indifferent and irrelevant. Unfortunately I am just now trying to figure out how I managed to do it again. I have been in a 2 year relationship with what I now believe is a covert narcissist. Totally different from the last one. It was a whirlwind of fun and love and before I could get my head out of the clouds I had let him move in with me. The anger outbursts, the silent treatment, the lies, the stealing or plundering through everything all began. I was having a complete breakdown and then more of the same lies and cheating and then he went to prison. I have footed the bill again and he loves me so and is getting out within 6 weeks. I told him today that I could not let him come live with me because I don’t trust him. I sold my house and moved while he’s been there but I believed everything he was saying today while on the phone with him!?!? I’m angry at myself for being so dumb and naive once again and I have known this person for 20 years but I had no idea what I was getting in. I’m actually concerned about just what he is capable of and I cannot handle anything else emotionally or financially and I still go back and forth but since I have not been able to see him I am starting to think that I am just now getting a little clarity and grasp on the situation.. I am exhausted from the trauma on my life and yet I’m thankful in so many other ways... I believe I have BPD and bipolar and an empath. Why am I not convinced he is a narcissist and how can I keep believing the bullshit over and over. It’s insane that I care more about them than I do me apparently! I’m choosing me this time but I’m not sure I have the strength to go thru this pain to heal and let go again!
Wow. I have some self reflecting to do..😔 very wonderfully written article...
Thank you Kimberly for the kind compliment. I can relate to how difficult it is, hang in there...