4 Questions To Help You Decide If It's Time To Leave a Relationship

People you love are the hardest thing to let go

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Most of us have been at this crossroads before - We're with someone we genuinely care for, but misunderstandings and blowups happen all too often, leaving us depleted and depressed. We've tried repeatedly to fix the problem, but nothing seemed to work.

How do we know it's time to call it quits?

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together." ― Marilyn Monroe

A few years ago, I was embroiled in such a relationship. My partner, also a childhood abuse survivor, had difficulty regulating emotions. When things are good between us, it's terrific, but when he is triggered, which happens often, he goes haywire - extreme jealousy, impulsivity, wild mood swings, and explosive anger. He is always remorseful when he calms down, but the respite does not last. 

Over the span of our relationship, we've broken up and gotten back together several times. I gave our relationship more chances than I probably should have because I know what it is like to be betrayed by people who should have cared for you. I know his tough facade was not personal to me - it was there to protect the vulnerable child he once was, and this child is still inside of him, scared and unhealed. 

I was hoping that by loving him more, he would let his guard down and drop the porcupine shield that is stinging me bloody. I healed myself over time, so he could too, right?

Fortunately for me, I have a wise therapist and a circle of good friends that gave me sage advice and helped me through this difficult time. For this, I will be eternally grateful. 

I know how hard this journey is, so in the hopes of sparing you some pain, below, I share what I learned. If you find the article helpful, please subscribe. I’d love to hear your thoughts too.

1. Would I choose my partner again, knowing what I know now?

“If you’ve ever held on to a pair of shoes that make your feet ache or a pair of pants that no longer fit you for no other reason than you paid a lot of money for them, you’ve experienced the sunk-cost bias.” ― Leena Patel

Stock investors know all too well the danger of falling for the sunk costs trap. It is the mistaken belief that loss on a sinking stock is not real as long as one does not sell.

To mitigate such error in thinking, smart investors are in the habit of asking themselves, "If I have money today, would I rebuy this stock?" If the answer is no, they sell, even at a loss.

In relationships, it is very easy for us to fall for the sunk cost trap, especially when we have invested so much of ourselves in it. Honestly answering this question is a great way to avoid the trap, which, if one is not careful, could cost years of our lives.

Now, some of you may argue, the difference between a stock and a relationship, is that we can exert some control over our relationship and our partner. 

Read on.

2. Would I stay if my partner never changes?

"Quod me nutrut me destruit (What nourishes me, destroys me)" ― Tattoo on Angelina Jolie

A wise friend once told me, "A relationship often ends the same way it started." If I am honest with myself, the red flags that bothered me at the start of a relationship are almost always the same reasons it ended. 

If so, why do so many of us fail to cut our losses earlier? I believe we silence our internal warning system because we desperately want the relationship to work, and we hold to the mistaken belief that we can make people change.

This way of thinking is incredibly dangerous for a few reasons. First of all, it shows that we are not truly in love with our partner. We do not accept him for who he is now, but we are hoping that he would change to match a fantasy version of him that we concocted in our mind. Second of all, whether a partner can change or not is not up to you, it's up to him.

This leads to my next point.

3. Is my partner a self-reflective person?

"Relationship never dies a natural death. They are murdered by ego, attitude, and ignorance." ― Unknown

Self-Reflective, as defined by the Cambridge dictionary, is "the activity of thinking about your feelings and behavior, and the reasons that may lie behind them."

When there are difficulties in a relationship, a self-reflective person can assess the situation, ask what role he plays in these difficulties, and find ways to overcome them through change.

To highlight the importance of self-reflection, you only need to consider the alternative. If your partner can't identify where he might have acted regrettably, he will most likely behave that way again.

Back to my earlier point - people can change, but only if they recognize the need to change and have the mental and emotional capacity to make it happen. 

Change is hard. Next time you think about changing somebody else, ask yourself how successful you have been in dropping your own bad habits.

The reality is that there exists no partner that will always see eye to eye with you. People are flawed, and the question is whether the flaws your partner has is something you can accept. If not, free each other so you can both find better matches.

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4. Is my partner prioritizing our relationship? 

“Your priorities aren’t what you say they are. They are revealed by how you live.” ― Anonymous

Relationships take work. Unless you and your partner prioritize the relationship similarly, it will inevitably become an area of conflict. 

Your partner shows how much he values the relationship through his actions, not words. He may say that the relationship with you is the most important thing in his life, but if he consistently chooses his job over working on the relationship, then his career is more important to him.

A person may be self-reflective, look excellent on paper, and is a great person to boot, but if he does not prioritize the relationship, you cannot expect him to put in the effort to change either.

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Bringing this back to the situation with my ex, after much painful deliberation spanning sleepless nights, I decided to leave to set us both free. I realized that as much as I cared for him, I cannot make him change. After all, it took a painful divorce for me to introspect and drop my armor - what right do I have to expect more of him?

If we are in a toxic relationship, it helps to look inside ourselves to see if there are unhealed parts of us that drove us to be with this person. This self-examination is not an excuse to beat ourselves up, but to grow from the experience, so our next relationship could be better.

I made peace with the fact that in the grand scheme of life, my ex and I met so we can help each other learn the lessons we each needed to learn to become better people. The relationship didn't last, but it served its purpose.

If you are currently struggling with whether to leave a relationship, I want you to know that the limbo state is the most painful part of the journey. Once you make a decision, the clarity will free you, and you will start to feel better.

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