Unfortunately, Cherry, we're not alone. I wish no kid has to go through abuse, but what does not kill us does make us stronger. Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it!
This piece of writing rang home to me not only because i was physically and verbally abused by my mother as a child. My mom and dad fought often, he would drink alot and then he would lash out at her because she hated him drinking, but those frustrations were taken out on me. Strangely my dad was always nice to us sibings and i can’t recall him ever laying a hand on us. However when i was 21 years old I saw my dad make a pass at my then wife, I blamed her and that was the end of my marriage as far as i was concerned it was her fault, but in truth deep down i knew it was my dad but I could not bring myself to blame him let alone confront him or tell anyone. At the age of 24 my first born had a near cot death i gave him mouth to mouth and he survived only to be left severly brain damaged. Aged 26 I watched my second partner give birth to my only daughter born premature and she never made it. We held her lifeless body and i didnt know what to do. At the age of 29 my mum died in a car accident. This nearly broke me but i turned to the bottle. I came to realise i was literally drowning my sorrows. At the age of 36 i had a mental breakdown maybe trying to be strong for too long or not opening up about things helped cause it. 39 years old my second relationship failed and it was my fault i fell heavily into depression and attempted suicide many times. Aged 42 i met my third partner and by the age of 46 that relationship was over too mainly because of the way i was.
I feel for you Holy. You've had it very hard, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you went through. I am happy to talk and share some ideas that helped me. You can find me on the private FB group "Healing From Childhood Trauma.": https://www.facebook.com/groups/532673050695942/.
Your father abused you and your siblings by hurting your mother. It is traumatic for us to see people we love harmed and not be able to do anything about it. It is especially hard for children. Children are reliant on their parents for survival, and their brain is developing and fragile.
Your story reminds me of something Tim Fletcher said, "Childhood abuse traumatizes us twice; once while growing up, and again when the world does not agree with our coping mechanisms."
The fortunate news is, you are aware of the issue and the need to change. With this awareness, you are on your way to a better life. Our brain is plastic, and we can learn to identify what is not working and replacing it with skillful ways of working with ourselves and with others.
Where many of us get stuck is we never got to the self-awareness stage. Hence, we either unconsciously repeat our parent's mistake, or we keep using old coping mechanisms that worked so well to protect us from our abusive parents but are ill-suited for the real world.
If you're looking for resources that help, the archive (https://lightworker.substack.com/) has articles of how I went from being ignorant to being awake, and the steps I'm taking to heal. Tim Fletcher has an in-depth series on Complex Trauma on YT (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IxEwPMqB-c&t=327s). I have listened to at least fifty of his talks across all subjects. I believe he runs a program that helps abuse victims too out of Canada.
Though I would not wish what happened to us on anyone, it does give us a unique perspective, and I believe once healed, we are in a unique position to help others.
I wish you the best on your healing journey. My advice is to take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself if you falter from time to time. As long as we keep marching ahead, freedom and a better life are absolutely in our reach.
Although I see your prospective. It’s a limited one. I’m so sorry you experienced that in childhood. Although my abuse was different I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My parent not protecting me the way I needed them too made me angry and feel abandoned for a very long time. It wasn’t okay.
I have been a victim of domestic violence as an adult as well. My issue with your article stems from that experience. We are not all your mother. And in many states, it is true- it’s hard to take custody away from the father. I have a dear friend who had 3 children with her abuser. She worked at a dv shelter and knew if she left him he would still have overnights. She couldn’t risk it so she stayed... to be there to protect them. Eventually the oldest reported that his father choked him to the school. It was only then that she was able to get out and make sure he was supervised.
I suggest you look up what a trauma bond is. It’s no joke. Its a physiological. It literally messes with our hormones and how they regulate themselves. I clearly recognize my abuser to be toxic, (after being gone for a while) but I still have moments when a fog roles in. My brain has been trained to be this way. I have to retrain it and it’s not easy. They gaslight. They confuse. They isolate. They manipulate. My abuser was very attractive, successful, creative, and charming. He was skilled at what he did. He knew how to not leave bruises. Many of us are convinced we are not even being abused. I didn’t know I was in domestic violence until I left. He had convinced me I was mistaken.
This article does not help domestic abuse survivors or victims. It blames them. Women and mothers already are having our rights taken from us. We need people to understand us and the illness of DV, not blame us. I know plenty of women with children who are trapped in DV and they are not the abuser- they are the victim. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. That’s when they get the most violent. I can tell you from personal experience.
So I suggest if you want to get families help and create awareness that you study domestic violence and what it is on a larger scale. Because things like this will not help women be able to leave. It’s a view that takes away their support system and feeds into the societal belief that it’s so easy to just leave. It’s not. It’s actually the hardest part and its most definitely the most dangerous.
I don't disagree that my perspective, like anyone's perspective, is limited to what I know and what I've experienced. However, I believe it is an important one. It is not safe for abused children to speak, and they are being hurt now. As a person growing up abused, I feel a moral obligation to speak for them.
My father was also a victim of violent childhood abuse. Most killers were victims of violence, but this does not, in any way, excuse their actions. Regardless of what was done to us, we are responsible for our actions.
My mother, through her choices, aided, abated, and enabled the abuse of little children. She also emotionally abused us repeatedly and often called my father home to beat us if we push back at her. People like my mother needs to be condemned, even if the same person also abuses them.
I hear your point that custody battles can be tricky, but when there is a will, there is a way. My friend Sue's mom (she's 50 now) was married to an abusive police officer, and the law was not willing to help. So her mom "kidnapped" Sue to keep her safe. I have heard countless stories of courageous parents that are willing to risk everything they have to protect their child.
Your use of the word "Victim blaming" is not correct. Victim Blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them. For example, a rapist blames the victim for enticing him to violate her because of the way she dressed. It has nothing to do with my family's situation.
You said, "Women and mothers already are having our rights taken from us. We need people to understand us and the illness of DV, not blame us." I have observed that some have a bias towards women when discussing domestic abuse, but this is a gender-neutral problem. Abusers are abusers, period.
Abused kids are the only ones that never victimized anyone. They are only at the receiving end of adults' bad behaviors and they need adults to stand up for them. We must not allow people to wave the victim flag to excuse bad behavior.
Kidnapping Sue is what Sue's mom did to save Sue from being abused by her father. I know Sue is grateful that her mom did this out of love. Whether better options existed, I do not know.
I shared Sue's story to illustrate a point. Some parents would go very far to save their children from harm, while others (like my mom or pastor Joyce Meyer's mom) chose to do nothing.
But you referenced your mom's narcissism. It sounds like you had two abusive parents, not one. That's wholly different than what Miotka is talking about and what most experiences entail.
Oh I totally agree about the self-worth. But I think there is a difference between someone who enables due to the abuse they've suffered and someone who actively engages in the abuse. Not that it makes a difference to the child growing up with it...
I dont know. I just look at my parents. My mom was the abusive one. My dad did the best he could with his upbringing and skill set, etc. In his family, divorce was not an option. I think I would view him differently if he were an active participant in the abuse.
Did I view it that way as a child? Sometimes. Not always.
I see the same thing in a lot of the families of my students. If there is one abusive parent I do what I can to educate and help the other parent. Because a parent who is beat down is often brainwashed to a point of not being able to function in a healthy manner, for themselves or their children. Blaming them helps no one. (Doesnt mean I dont get angry and frustrated though at parents who refuse to get help)
I agree that blaming is not helpful. At the same time, we must hold parents accountable for the welfare of their children. It is NOT OK for a parent to sit and do nothing and let their children be abused.
My mother's friends used to listen to her sob stories and affirmed her victimhood. However, they all dropped her after realizing that she loved the attention, but had no intention of taking action to protect her children.
Instead of perfunctory sympathy, these friends should have reminded my mother of her responsibility to protect her children.
"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are."
what do you suggest we do to help parents see that staying in an abusive relationship is hurting their children? My mom used to say "He is your father, and I want to you to have your father in your life and get to know him." I know him enough, and a loving parent cannot be so abusive. She finally left him and I have been thanking her ever since. I don't understand why its so hard for so many to leave. I would rather be homeless and safe with my kids, than in an abusive relationship. I wish I could help others see its possible
Lucia, thank you for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that your mother finally awakened to the harm that was done to you and mustered her courage to do the right thing. I echo your sentiment - I would rather die on the streets than to allow someone to abuse my child.
If you are open to sharing your story, perhaps we can have you write an article and share it through my newsletter? Some suggest that I run podcasts to interview survivors and give them a voice, and this is something I am considering. I would highlight stories like yours, to your point, to give people hope that there could be a better future.
I personally never label myself as a victim. Victimhood is a slippery slope that lures many to remain stuck in a hopeless, helpless state.
I am a survivor. Horrible, unconscionable things were done to me, but I am not a sitting duck. By fighting and never giving up, no matter how long it takes, we eventually gain freedom.
I am grateful that I am not only safe and free, but I am also able to speak on behalf of abused children. My sister is a school teacher, and she actively intervenes when kids are bullied or abused.
I am not religious, but if there is a God, and God is full of love, then perhaps this is how they turn our pain into hope.
Not all mothers stay and accept the abuse, my friend has two kids to a verbally abusive man, she doesn’t need financial support and doesn’t fear being without him, she stays because he has told her he will seek joint custody and she can not send her two kids who are under 5 to deal with him alone, so she has a plan to stay to protect them as she shields them from his anger, she takes the blame for anything that happens so the kids are not yelled at, She defends her kids. In Australia the courts will give 50/50 unless you can prove the children are at immediate risk, how do you prove verbal abuse when taping someone without consent is inadmissible. So her choice is stay and never leave her kids alone with him and shield them or leave and send her kids to deal with him each fortnight alone? So some women sacrifice their everything to protect their kids, she will leave him eventually but when her kids are older.
What a great article it was very informative and enlightening. Sometimes we feel like we're the only ones going through this and the pain it brings.
Unfortunately, Cherry, we're not alone. I wish no kid has to go through abuse, but what does not kill us does make us stronger. Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it!
Thank you for the feedback Cherry, we are certainly not alone, unfortunately.
This piece of writing rang home to me not only because i was physically and verbally abused by my mother as a child. My mom and dad fought often, he would drink alot and then he would lash out at her because she hated him drinking, but those frustrations were taken out on me. Strangely my dad was always nice to us sibings and i can’t recall him ever laying a hand on us. However when i was 21 years old I saw my dad make a pass at my then wife, I blamed her and that was the end of my marriage as far as i was concerned it was her fault, but in truth deep down i knew it was my dad but I could not bring myself to blame him let alone confront him or tell anyone. At the age of 24 my first born had a near cot death i gave him mouth to mouth and he survived only to be left severly brain damaged. Aged 26 I watched my second partner give birth to my only daughter born premature and she never made it. We held her lifeless body and i didnt know what to do. At the age of 29 my mum died in a car accident. This nearly broke me but i turned to the bottle. I came to realise i was literally drowning my sorrows. At the age of 36 i had a mental breakdown maybe trying to be strong for too long or not opening up about things helped cause it. 39 years old my second relationship failed and it was my fault i fell heavily into depression and attempted suicide many times. Aged 42 i met my third partner and by the age of 46 that relationship was over too mainly because of the way i was.
I feel for you Holy. You've had it very hard, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you went through. I am happy to talk and share some ideas that helped me. You can find me on the private FB group "Healing From Childhood Trauma.": https://www.facebook.com/groups/532673050695942/.
Your father abused you and your siblings by hurting your mother. It is traumatic for us to see people we love harmed and not be able to do anything about it. It is especially hard for children. Children are reliant on their parents for survival, and their brain is developing and fragile.
Your story reminds me of something Tim Fletcher said, "Childhood abuse traumatizes us twice; once while growing up, and again when the world does not agree with our coping mechanisms."
The fortunate news is, you are aware of the issue and the need to change. With this awareness, you are on your way to a better life. Our brain is plastic, and we can learn to identify what is not working and replacing it with skillful ways of working with ourselves and with others.
Where many of us get stuck is we never got to the self-awareness stage. Hence, we either unconsciously repeat our parent's mistake, or we keep using old coping mechanisms that worked so well to protect us from our abusive parents but are ill-suited for the real world.
If you're looking for resources that help, the archive (https://lightworker.substack.com/) has articles of how I went from being ignorant to being awake, and the steps I'm taking to heal. Tim Fletcher has an in-depth series on Complex Trauma on YT (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IxEwPMqB-c&t=327s). I have listened to at least fifty of his talks across all subjects. I believe he runs a program that helps abuse victims too out of Canada.
Though I would not wish what happened to us on anyone, it does give us a unique perspective, and I believe once healed, we are in a unique position to help others.
I wish you the best on your healing journey. My advice is to take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself if you falter from time to time. As long as we keep marching ahead, freedom and a better life are absolutely in our reach.
Thank you for sharing, and all the best to you 💙
Thank you JR, and best wishes to you as well!
Although I see your prospective. It’s a limited one. I’m so sorry you experienced that in childhood. Although my abuse was different I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My parent not protecting me the way I needed them too made me angry and feel abandoned for a very long time. It wasn’t okay.
I have been a victim of domestic violence as an adult as well. My issue with your article stems from that experience. We are not all your mother. And in many states, it is true- it’s hard to take custody away from the father. I have a dear friend who had 3 children with her abuser. She worked at a dv shelter and knew if she left him he would still have overnights. She couldn’t risk it so she stayed... to be there to protect them. Eventually the oldest reported that his father choked him to the school. It was only then that she was able to get out and make sure he was supervised.
I suggest you look up what a trauma bond is. It’s no joke. Its a physiological. It literally messes with our hormones and how they regulate themselves. I clearly recognize my abuser to be toxic, (after being gone for a while) but I still have moments when a fog roles in. My brain has been trained to be this way. I have to retrain it and it’s not easy. They gaslight. They confuse. They isolate. They manipulate. My abuser was very attractive, successful, creative, and charming. He was skilled at what he did. He knew how to not leave bruises. Many of us are convinced we are not even being abused. I didn’t know I was in domestic violence until I left. He had convinced me I was mistaken.
This article does not help domestic abuse survivors or victims. It blames them. Women and mothers already are having our rights taken from us. We need people to understand us and the illness of DV, not blame us. I know plenty of women with children who are trapped in DV and they are not the abuser- they are the victim. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. That’s when they get the most violent. I can tell you from personal experience.
So I suggest if you want to get families help and create awareness that you study domestic violence and what it is on a larger scale. Because things like this will not help women be able to leave. It’s a view that takes away their support system and feeds into the societal belief that it’s so easy to just leave. It’s not. It’s actually the hardest part and its most definitely the most dangerous.
Miotka, I appreciate your comment.
I don't disagree that my perspective, like anyone's perspective, is limited to what I know and what I've experienced. However, I believe it is an important one. It is not safe for abused children to speak, and they are being hurt now. As a person growing up abused, I feel a moral obligation to speak for them.
My father was also a victim of violent childhood abuse. Most killers were victims of violence, but this does not, in any way, excuse their actions. Regardless of what was done to us, we are responsible for our actions.
My mother, through her choices, aided, abated, and enabled the abuse of little children. She also emotionally abused us repeatedly and often called my father home to beat us if we push back at her. People like my mother needs to be condemned, even if the same person also abuses them.
I hear your point that custody battles can be tricky, but when there is a will, there is a way. My friend Sue's mom (she's 50 now) was married to an abusive police officer, and the law was not willing to help. So her mom "kidnapped" Sue to keep her safe. I have heard countless stories of courageous parents that are willing to risk everything they have to protect their child.
Your use of the word "Victim blaming" is not correct. Victim Blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them. For example, a rapist blames the victim for enticing him to violate her because of the way she dressed. It has nothing to do with my family's situation.
You said, "Women and mothers already are having our rights taken from us. We need people to understand us and the illness of DV, not blame us." I have observed that some have a bias towards women when discussing domestic abuse, but this is a gender-neutral problem. Abusers are abusers, period.
Abused kids are the only ones that never victimized anyone. They are only at the receiving end of adults' bad behaviors and they need adults to stand up for them. We must not allow people to wave the victim flag to excuse bad behavior.
Also, when did your friend kidnap her child? For you to mention that as a possible solution is dangerous and irresponsible.
Kidnapping Sue is what Sue's mom did to save Sue from being abused by her father. I know Sue is grateful that her mom did this out of love. Whether better options existed, I do not know.
I shared Sue's story to illustrate a point. Some parents would go very far to save their children from harm, while others (like my mom or pastor Joyce Meyer's mom) chose to do nothing.
But you referenced your mom's narcissism. It sounds like you had two abusive parents, not one. That's wholly different than what Miotka is talking about and what most experiences entail.
A person with healthy self-worth would not stay in an abusive relationship, and a person who does not love themselves cannot truly love others either.
A parent that did not try to protect their child from abuse is enabling it to happen, and part and parcel to abuse.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jun/11/letter-mother-did-not-protect-me-grandad-abuse
Oh I totally agree about the self-worth. But I think there is a difference between someone who enables due to the abuse they've suffered and someone who actively engages in the abuse. Not that it makes a difference to the child growing up with it...
I dont know. I just look at my parents. My mom was the abusive one. My dad did the best he could with his upbringing and skill set, etc. In his family, divorce was not an option. I think I would view him differently if he were an active participant in the abuse.
Did I view it that way as a child? Sometimes. Not always.
I see the same thing in a lot of the families of my students. If there is one abusive parent I do what I can to educate and help the other parent. Because a parent who is beat down is often brainwashed to a point of not being able to function in a healthy manner, for themselves or their children. Blaming them helps no one. (Doesnt mean I dont get angry and frustrated though at parents who refuse to get help)
I agree that blaming is not helpful. At the same time, we must hold parents accountable for the welfare of their children. It is NOT OK for a parent to sit and do nothing and let their children be abused.
My mother's friends used to listen to her sob stories and affirmed her victimhood. However, they all dropped her after realizing that she loved the attention, but had no intention of taking action to protect her children.
Instead of perfunctory sympathy, these friends should have reminded my mother of her responsibility to protect her children.
"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are."
― Benjamin Franklin
what do you suggest we do to help parents see that staying in an abusive relationship is hurting their children? My mom used to say "He is your father, and I want to you to have your father in your life and get to know him." I know him enough, and a loving parent cannot be so abusive. She finally left him and I have been thanking her ever since. I don't understand why its so hard for so many to leave. I would rather be homeless and safe with my kids, than in an abusive relationship. I wish I could help others see its possible
Lucia, thank you for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that your mother finally awakened to the harm that was done to you and mustered her courage to do the right thing. I echo your sentiment - I would rather die on the streets than to allow someone to abuse my child.
If you are open to sharing your story, perhaps we can have you write an article and share it through my newsletter? Some suggest that I run podcasts to interview survivors and give them a voice, and this is something I am considering. I would highlight stories like yours, to your point, to give people hope that there could be a better future.
I personally never label myself as a victim. Victimhood is a slippery slope that lures many to remain stuck in a hopeless, helpless state.
I am a survivor. Horrible, unconscionable things were done to me, but I am not a sitting duck. By fighting and never giving up, no matter how long it takes, we eventually gain freedom.
I am grateful that I am not only safe and free, but I am also able to speak on behalf of abused children. My sister is a school teacher, and she actively intervenes when kids are bullied or abused.
I am not religious, but if there is a God, and God is full of love, then perhaps this is how they turn our pain into hope.
Not all mothers stay and accept the abuse, my friend has two kids to a verbally abusive man, she doesn’t need financial support and doesn’t fear being without him, she stays because he has told her he will seek joint custody and she can not send her two kids who are under 5 to deal with him alone, so she has a plan to stay to protect them as she shields them from his anger, she takes the blame for anything that happens so the kids are not yelled at, She defends her kids. In Australia the courts will give 50/50 unless you can prove the children are at immediate risk, how do you prove verbal abuse when taping someone without consent is inadmissible. So her choice is stay and never leave her kids alone with him and shield them or leave and send her kids to deal with him each fortnight alone? So some women sacrifice their everything to protect their kids, she will leave him eventually but when her kids are older.