18 Comments
Apr 24, 2020Liked by Life is Love School

What a great article it was very informative and enlightening. Sometimes we feel like we're the only ones going through this and the pain it brings.

Expand full comment
Apr 18, 2020Liked by Life is Love School

This piece of writing rang home to me not only because i was physically and verbally abused by my mother as a child. My mom and dad fought often, he would drink alot and then he would lash out at her because she hated him drinking, but those frustrations were taken out on me. Strangely my dad was always nice to us sibings and i can’t recall him ever laying a hand on us. However when i was 21 years old I saw my dad make a pass at my then wife, I blamed her and that was the end of my marriage as far as i was concerned it was her fault, but in truth deep down i knew it was my dad but I could not bring myself to blame him let alone confront him or tell anyone. At the age of 24 my first born had a near cot death i gave him mouth to mouth and he survived only to be left severly brain damaged. Aged 26 I watched my second partner give birth to my only daughter born premature and she never made it. We held her lifeless body and i didnt know what to do. At the age of 29 my mum died in a car accident. This nearly broke me but i turned to the bottle. I came to realise i was literally drowning my sorrows. At the age of 36 i had a mental breakdown maybe trying to be strong for too long or not opening up about things helped cause it. 39 years old my second relationship failed and it was my fault i fell heavily into depression and attempted suicide many times. Aged 42 i met my third partner and by the age of 46 that relationship was over too mainly because of the way i was.

Expand full comment
Apr 17, 2020Liked by Life is Love School

Thank you for sharing, and all the best to you 💙

Expand full comment

Although I see your prospective. It’s a limited one. I’m so sorry you experienced that in childhood. Although my abuse was different I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My parent not protecting me the way I needed them too made me angry and feel abandoned for a very long time. It wasn’t okay.

I have been a victim of domestic violence as an adult as well. My issue with your article stems from that experience. We are not all your mother. And in many states, it is true- it’s hard to take custody away from the father. I have a dear friend who had 3 children with her abuser. She worked at a dv shelter and knew if she left him he would still have overnights. She couldn’t risk it so she stayed... to be there to protect them. Eventually the oldest reported that his father choked him to the school. It was only then that she was able to get out and make sure he was supervised.

I suggest you look up what a trauma bond is. It’s no joke. Its a physiological. It literally messes with our hormones and how they regulate themselves. I clearly recognize my abuser to be toxic, (after being gone for a while) but I still have moments when a fog roles in. My brain has been trained to be this way. I have to retrain it and it’s not easy. They gaslight. They confuse. They isolate. They manipulate. My abuser was very attractive, successful, creative, and charming. He was skilled at what he did. He knew how to not leave bruises. Many of us are convinced we are not even being abused. I didn’t know I was in domestic violence until I left. He had convinced me I was mistaken.

This article does not help domestic abuse survivors or victims. It blames them. Women and mothers already are having our rights taken from us. We need people to understand us and the illness of DV, not blame us. I know plenty of women with children who are trapped in DV and they are not the abuser- they are the victim. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. That’s when they get the most violent. I can tell you from personal experience.

So I suggest if you want to get families help and create awareness that you study domestic violence and what it is on a larger scale. Because things like this will not help women be able to leave. It’s a view that takes away their support system and feeds into the societal belief that it’s so easy to just leave. It’s not. It’s actually the hardest part and its most definitely the most dangerous.

Expand full comment

Not all mothers stay and accept the abuse, my friend has two kids to a verbally abusive man, she doesn’t need financial support and doesn’t fear being without him, she stays because he has told her he will seek joint custody and she can not send her two kids who are under 5 to deal with him alone, so she has a plan to stay to protect them as she shields them from his anger, she takes the blame for anything that happens so the kids are not yelled at, She defends her kids. In Australia the courts will give 50/50 unless you can prove the children are at immediate risk, how do you prove verbal abuse when taping someone without consent is inadmissible. So her choice is stay and never leave her kids alone with him and shield them or leave and send her kids to deal with him each fortnight alone? So some women sacrifice their everything to protect their kids, she will leave him eventually but when her kids are older.

Expand full comment