In my healing journey, I find forgiving my parents the hardest thing to do.
I covered some of what my parents did to my siblings and me in another article, so I won't repeat it here. Suffice to say, what they did to us was far from ok.
Well-meaning friends would suggest that I should forgive. After all, as the cliche goes, forgiveness is not for the other person, but for you.
"You," they say, "Would do well to forgive so you can have peace of mind."
“To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.”― John Gray
I get the argument, of course. It is logical to forgive, but whenever I hear friends give this advice, inside, I am seething.
Do these friends think that I don't want to forgive, or that I don't know that fuming over my parents only harms me, not them?
"For God's sake," I thought of telling these friends, "Why don't you go through what I've gone through, and then you can tell me how you’d forgive!"
I picture my parents sitting pretty in their living room, sipping tea and enjoying TV, while the recall of how they’ve harmed me makes my insides boil.
How do I begin to forgive, when I am reminded of what they did through the C-PTSD symptoms I suffer from their abuse?
“We should forgive our enemies, but not before they are hanged” ― Heinrich Heine
What these well-meaning friends don't understand is that the abuse causes structural changes in my brain, and I cannot "snap out of it."
A child's brain in development is especially susceptible to trauma, and my brain sustained repeated injuries over the years. The damage is just as real as someone who's lost a leg - Would they tell this person to drop her cane and walk?
“Life sometimes reminds us that it is sometimes heartless by giving something or someone we really need to someone who does not need or even want them or it.”― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Growing up with abusive caretakers gives you front-row seats to dysfunctional relationships and unhealthy ways of coping. Because we weren't taught how to tolerate distress skillfully, some of us resort to drugs, alcohol, food, cutting, and other self-injurious ways to cope.
It is no wonder that 97% of addicts have a trauma background.
All this is saying that no one in their right mind likes to hold on to anger. Trauma survivors just find it extra hard to forgive for all the reasons above. A little more sensitivity in how you communicate your wish for us goes a long way.
What Is Forgiveness?
Psychologists define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
Well-known examples of forgiveness come from the bible, where Jesus asked God to forgive those that crucified him, and Nelson Mandela, who forgave those that jailed him 27 years for opposing apartheid.
I did not find these examples helpful. These are not everyday people we're talking about, but people that are near saints.
Isn't Jesus literally, immortal?
“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” ― Alexander Pope
Examples like these make forgiveness seem like something you decide to do, and the rest just happens. If, like me, it didn't "just happen," you're left stuck, frustrated, and confused.
It took me a ton of trial and error to figure out a way to forgive that works for me. At this point, I have forgiven every one that has wronged me except for my parents. There are still some ways to go with my parents - I still get triggered sometimes, but less often than I used to, and the amplitude of my reactions are more muted.
Below I share the steps I took to forgive. It is a repeatable process, and you can do this, as the infomercials like to say, "in the comfort of your own home."
STEP 1: Recognize that Forgiveness Takes Time
“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” ― Leo Tolstoy
Complex Trauma, as opposed to Simple Trauma, stems fro traumas that are repeated over time. Most childhood traumas are Complex Traumas. Simple Trauma, on the other hand, is a single definable traumatic event, such as an assault.
Complex Trauma is significant and takes time to heal, and forgiving those that harmed us is part of the healing process. "Shoulding" all over ourselves on how we should have already forgiven the perpetrators is not helpful.
This is especially true since many of us were raised by drill sergeants that beat us into submission. It is important to not "shoot the second arrow at our selves," but instead, treat ourselves with respect, patience, and kindness to allow forgiveness to naturally unfold.
STEP 2: Realizing That We Have a Choice in How We Feel
"Choose not to be harmed, and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed, and you haven't been." ― Marcus Aurelius
Often times, we feel that we have no control over our emotions. If someone cuts us off on the road, we react, flipping them the finger literally or internally.
As a thought experiment, if, however, you found out that the offender is rushing to the ICU to see his kid that's on life support, would you still be upset? I bet not.
It is rarely the case that we have all the information to pass a fair judgment. What's also interesting to note is that our feelings come from our thoughts, and when we think differently, we feel differently. The power of narrative is in our control.
Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of “Man's Search for Meaning”, a book that chronicles his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, said, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
By consciously choosing the narrative, we can maintain control over how we feel, and this is a freedom no one can take away. But how do we use it towards forgiveness?
Read on.
STEP 3: Always Look For The Silver Lining
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” ― Alphonse Karr
For many years, I saw what my parents did to me as all bad, and this line of thought fueled the resentment I harbored.
During this time, to feel better, I started to study how to become a happier person. I devoured countless books on this topic, and what I read repeatedly is the power of gratitude. The linkage between gratitude and happiness has been well established by science now.
It is a simple way to get more joy.
I set up a calendar reminder to name three things that I am grateful for every day. Sometimes I named something big, like feeling grateful for having a cat that loves me unconditionally, and sometimes it's for small stuff, like having food to eat and clothe to wear.
The change in how I feel was immediate and palpable, so I kept up this habit to this day. How you might ask, does this apply to forgiveness?
Read on.
After about a year of gratitude exercises, I decided to up the ante and challenge myself to come up with positive ways to interpret any event.
I started with straightforward stuff, like the weather. Instead of complaining about the rain, I thanked it for watering plants and replenishing the water supply. After a while, I moved on to more challenging things, like giving people a break when they are late or said something hurtful, choosing instead to come up with as charitable an explanation for their behavior as possible.
“I’ve become this happiness scavenger who picks away at the ugliness of the world, because if there’s happiness tucked away in my tragedies, I’ll find it no matter what.”
― Adam Silvera,
I found this challenge fun and a good test for my creativity. By making this exercise a game where I only competed with myself, I approached thoughts about my childhood with less seriousness. These exercises led me to write an article titled "5 Advantages Childhood Abuse Survivors Have", where I shared my reflections on what happened and how it shaped me into who I am today.
STEP 4: Remembering Our Shared Humanity
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh
When I read this quote, I felt a wave of awakening run through my body. I knew what Thich Nhat Hanh said is true based on my own experiences.
Compared to my parents, who grew up in impoverished post-WWII Asia, by the time I was in my twenties, science has learned the linkage between childhood trauma and psychological illnesses.
I also had access to highly qualified medical professionals who diagnosed me and helped me work through trauma with a combination of therapy and medication.
None of this was available to my parents.
The more I studied trauma and its ramifications, the more I realized that my parents were victims of abuse too.
“To understand somebody else as a human being, I think, is about as close to real forgiveness as one can get.” ― David Small
Knowing that my parents were suffering and that they did the best parenting job they can with the knowledge they had at the time, allowed me to release resentment further.
STEP 5: On The Kindness We Received
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." ― Plato
None of us could have survived without the kindness of others.
Because there's not enough love at home, moments of kindness leave deep impressions in my heart.
When I was seven, I am ashamed to admit, I mercilessly made fun of a teenage girl that shared the same bus stop with me. She had pimples all over her face.
Ever the entertainer, I poked fun at her to make my friends laugh. Her face, already red from the breakouts, turned even redder, but she never fought back.
This went on for some time until one winter day, it began to rain, and the rain quickly turned into a downpour. Being an absent-minded kid, I had no umbrella, and I braced myself for the cold.
This girl, who happened to stand next to me that day, opened her umbrella and hovered it over me. It happened just like that, in a space that had no thoughts. We stood there, together, in silence.
Shortly after that, I moved to a different school. I never learned her name or got a chance to apologize for what I did.
“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” ― Aesop
Her kindness, demonstrated so effortlessly, is a reminder for me to forgive, and as best I can, to extend compassion to those that have harmed me.
To this day, I think about her often, though I suspect she does not remember me. I imagine her with her gentle, generous spirit is living a happy life free of strife, with people she loves who loves her back.
“It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” ― Maya Angelou Quotes
Forgiveness, in the end, maybe the most selfishly nice thing we can do for ourselves.
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